Excerpt from my book, The Fádreen
The year is 1852, the conversation is between three boys around age ten. The town Kilkenny Ireland.
We didn’t like the sound of this, No dogs? Our dogs went everywhere with us, we had never been separated from Fiona, Banjo and Pedro before. All three of us had gotten our dogs from the same litter and we were inseparable, and yes..! Pedro, Was the name that Frankie had chosen for his dog. We’d had a visit from a traveling missionary named Father Pedro. We didn’t know if it was his first name or his last name but it was the dog’s name now.
These visiting missionaries were handpicked for their ability to intimidate and bully the terrified congregation as they roared like a bull from the pulpit. Father Pedro’s sermon was on the ‘sins of the flesh’ and the consequences of such atrocious and scandalous behavior.
“On your knees you depraved reprobates…! Fornicators…! Sinners…! Adulterers…! Offenders of the lord God almighty who sent his only son to be crucified and die on the cross for your sins. Repent…! Repent and beg for God’s mercy and forgiveness for your life of debauchery and wickedness. Atone your evil ways or prepare to be struck down in fire and brimstone and be banished to scream and scald in the fires of hell for all eternity.” He’d bang his fist on the pulpit padding and pause for dramatic effect while a puff of dust added support to his well rehearsed theatrical chatter.
These missionaries would use the same sermon everywhere they went, which of course they could refine and dramatize for the required effect which was to stimulate those who had become complacent about their religion. The local priests didn’t have too much time for these traveling missionaries; they got free accommodation and didn’t have to work hard on a new sermon every week. The parishioners would dread these missionaries as they struck terror into the hearts of every man woman and child in the congregation. I suppose we should have been terrified too but we had no idea what he was talking about.
“What the hell is a fornicator anyway?” Frankie asked.
“It’s an ejit that comes from a foreign country.” Tommy said.
We liked hanging around with Tommy, he knew everything.
Chapter 9 Revenge plot
A few days later we were in one of our hiding places enjoying another stolen chicken from the castle when I told Tommy and Frankie about us emigrating to America.
“We’re going to America, the whole family, we’re selling up, lock stock and barrel.” I said. They looked at me stunned…. Nobody ever came back from America.
“Nobody ever comes back from America Jimmy.” Frankie said as he was about to sink his teeth into a nice perfectly cooked chicken breast. He stopped. “Do you think this is what Father Pedro meant by, Sins of the flesh?” He said.
“I suppose so.” Tommy said.
“Do you think we’ll be struck down in fire and brimstone and scream and scald in the fires of hell for all eternity then?” He asked as he took another mouthful. Tommy was quick to dispel his fears. “Not at all boy, not at all. Sure we don’t die until we’re old men and by then we’ll have turned to religion and we can hang up holy pictures and atone for our sins we'll pray to statues all day and night like old people do, then we’ll repent and beg for forgiveness they all do it boy, God would never send an old man to hell, eat up now.”
“But do you think we should feel guilty because Jesus died on the cross for our sins Tommy?”
“Listen Frankie, didn’t you hear what the priest said, God sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins, we’re supposed to commit sins that’s why we were born with original sin just to get us started, the world needs sinners Frankie otherwise he died for nothing okay? We’re all sinners, we’re destined for a life of hibotchery like the priest said but they have to forgive you when you tell it in confession, you just have to say you’re sorry and you’ll never do it again.”
“But the priest says that if you don’t go to mass on Sunday it’s a mortal sin and you’ll go straight to the fires of hell if you die.”
“That’s why they have confession Frankie, they wash away your sins for three hail Marys boy.”
“You should become a priest Tommy, then you could absolve us of our sins all the time.” I said.
“What about the priests and their sins?” Frankie said.
“Look Frankie, some people get a free pass into heaven. Remember the two thieves that were crucified with Jesus? Well didn’t he bring them two ejits up to heaven and left them there while he came back to get his revenge on the bastards that killed him.”
We were staring at Tommy again. “What the hell is brimstone anyway?” Frankie said as he took another bite.
“I’ll run away,” I said. “I’ll sneak off the ship in Cork and make me way back to Kilkenny. They’ll think I fell overboard and forget me. I’m not leaving Fiona.”
“Won’t work.” Tommy said. “Once you get on the ship they won’t let you off again until you get to America.”
“Then I’ll go to America and find my way back,” I said. Frankie was now wolfing down the last few mouthfuls of an apple tart that we had acquired from the windowsill of Bishop Gleason’s Palace, he didn’t seem to be too concerned with my plight. “Why is God so angry?” He said.
“What do you mean boy?” I asked him.
“Well you know, Father Deegan says, God loves us and God is forgiving, and God created us and God watches over us and God made us in his own image and God sends guardian angels that we can’t see to look after us and God sent his only son to die on the cross for our sins and we’re all God’s children. Then Father Pedro says God is everywhere spying on us, he sees everything that we do and knows our thoughts and sins and will bring down his wrath upon us and punish us and banish us from his kingdom and send us to scream and scald in the fires of hell for all eternity. Why would you send your children to scream and scald in the fires of hell for all eternity, I mean…. You know, why is he so angry?”
“Don’t know Frankie.” I said. Well, that ended that, theological conversation. I looked at Tommy to see if he had any input. He didn’t disappoint me as usual. “Look Frankie we have more important things to discuss, like revenge on Porky McGee, Jimmy is off to America and we have to find a way to get Fiona on the ship so that no one finds her and throws her to the sharks, so forget about the fires of hell until you’re an old man, Alright?”
“They’d throw Fiona to the sharks?” Now he had me worried.
“Of course boy.” He said. “Them ships crews are a nasty bunch, they’re always drunk, half of them are criminals on the run, they hate their job, they come over here with cargo and end up having to take hundreds of ejits back to America, they have to look after them, cook for them, clean up after them when they get seasick, patch them up when they get hurt and they don’t get a shilling extra for it. They’d throw a dog overboard in an instant just for fun, they do it all the time boy.” We were both looking at him with mouths open but he wasn’t finished. “And I’ll tell you something else that you don’t know, half the people that head off to America never get there because the ship ends up in the North Pole or Van Demon’s Land or somewhere instead of America. Why do you think no one ever comes back from America? They never got there in the first place.”
I don’t know where Tommy got all his information but with Frankie worried about going to hell and me worried about going to America it was left up to Tommy to remind us that this was a War Council Meeting. We lit up our pipes and proceeded with the meeting. None of us liked smoking but having stolen the tobacco when old Pratt had his back turned, we figured we’d enjoy the smoke. Tommy called the meeting to order and I as minister for wars and revenge recorded the minutes. It was decided that recovering his dad’s money from the avaricious mitts of Porky McGee had the highest priority, it would have to be done before there would be any talks of running away.
“Why do people drink?” Frankie asked. We stared at him again. “Well, you know, is it some sort of penance or something? I mean, it smells nasty and tastes vile, you have to drink it in a smelly old pub, they end up drunk and singing songs like, God bless the pope and to hell with the king, and then end up fighting and killing each other, they fall down and crack their skulls and spend the next day getting sick into a bucket. All I’m asking is, do you think the priest makes them do it for their sins?”
As usual Tommy had an answer. “Are you serious? listen boy if the priest makes these ejits drink then they deserve it, they must have had some serious sins to confess, now do you mind we have a meeting to finish?”
“Maybe it’s the sins of the flesh.” I said.
“For the love of Jasus, you shaggers will drive me into the madhouse, we’ll be here till the cows come home…..”
“I’m just saying what father Pedro says.”
“To the devil and his mother with father Pedro, sanctimonious auld bollix, do you think he’s without sin and the way he looks at them young ones?” Tommy was impatient but Frankie wasn’t finished with the questions.
“Why are some people rich and some poor, it don’t seem right, I mean… Look at the way those cockroaches live above there in the castle and look at the way we live?” Tommy was at his wits-end now with this latest question.
“ Listen….. Listen to me carefully boy..! You need to get your head right, I think them wallops to your noggin damaged your brain. You should be happy that there’s rich people, look at all the food we steal from them, if it wasn’t for the rich we’d all starve to death, now do you mind? We have to figure out how to get that money from Porky.”
A plan was formulated, submitted for review, voted on and passed, all within two minutes. Porky’s goose was cooked, we had decided to break into his pub on Friday night after closing time and steal his money, simple as that, we just wanted what was rightfully ours.
As usual Tommy had an answer. “Are you serious? listen boy if the priest makes these ejits drink then they deserve it, they must have had some serious sins to confess, now do you mind we have a meeting to finish?”
“Maybe it’s the sins of the flesh.” I said.
“For the love of Jasus, you shaggers will drive me into the madhouse, we’ll be here till the cows come home…..”
“I’m just saying what father Pedro says.”
“To the devil and his mother with father Pedro, sanctimonious auld bollix, do you think he’s without sin and the way he looks at them young ones?” Tommy was impatient but Frankie wasn’t finished with the questions.
“Why are some people rich and some poor, it don’t seem right, I mean… Look at the way those cockroaches live above there in the castle and look at the way we live?” Tommy was at his wits-end now with this latest question.
“ Listen….. Listen to me carefully boy..! You need to get your head right, I think them wallops to your noggin damaged your brain. You should be happy that there’s rich people, look at all the food we steal from them, if it wasn’t for the rich we’d all starve to death, now do you mind? We have to figure out how to get that money from Porky.”
A plan was formulated, submitted for review, voted on and passed, all within two minutes. Porky’s goose was cooked, we had decided to break into his pub on Friday night after closing time and steal his money, simple as that, we just wanted what was rightfully ours.
