Story two. The crying princess (Adult fantasy)
The Crying Princess,
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there was a beautiful princess living in a magnificent castle. Her father the king gave her anything she asked for but she spent most of her day crying, as most princesses do.
The king had offered gold, silver, rubies and diamonds to anyone who could stop the princess from crying and make her happy again. Many had tried and all had failed.
One day while the princess was crying in her castle tower she spied a little man approaching through a clearing in the forest. She watched with interest as he made his way towards the main gates.
“I’m here to stop the crying princess from crying, ” he said to the big fat ugly castle guard.
“No one can stop her crying, better men than you have tried. Be off little hunchback.” said the big fat ugly castle guard.
“Well they didn’t try hard enough, let me in.”
“Get lost little hunchback man, or I’ll set the castle dogs on you.”
But the princess came running down to meet this little hunchback man who had a pet monkey named Lassie.
“My father, the king of the castle, will give you a bag of gold and silver and rubies and diamonds if you can stop me from crying,” she said through her tears.
“I have no use for gold and silver and rubies and diamonds, I come from a land far, far away where we build our homes with gold and silver and rubies and diamonds,” he said.
“Oh, very well, what can we give you then little hunchback man with a monkey named Lassie?”
“You can kiss my little monkey so that she’ll be turned back into a dog.”
“And how will that make me happy and stop me from crying?”
“I’ll grant you two wishes.”
“Shouldn’t that be three wishes? Little hunchback man.”
“Hey, less of the little hunchback man bit, I don’t need to be reminded, and yes, you’re right, it should be three wishes, but the last crying princess wanted four wishes, so that only leaves me with two wishes to offer you.”
“You gave her four wishes yet she didn’t turn your monkey back into a dog, who was it? I bet it was that wretched princess Anna-Buckle in Quackselvania, what did she wish for with her four wishes? The greedy little sow.”
“I can’t tell you what she wished for but she doesn’t cry anymore.”
“Did she have to kiss your monkey? Why didn’t she get turned back into a dog? How did she get turned into a monkey in the first place? Don’t you like her as a monkey? What if she doesn’t turn back into a dog if I kiss her? What kind of dog was she? What if she prefers being a monkey? How do I know you can grant wishes? What if my-----------”
“Stop, stop, you’re giving me a headache, God almighty I liked you better when you were crying.”
“You didn’t answer my question, why didn’t the last crying princess turn her back into a dog? You gave her one of my wishes. Do you really think I’m going to kiss a monkey. My father will chop your head off, and what do you want if you don’t want gold and silver and rubies and diamonds? There’s something funny about you. What if my wishes don’t come true? And what kind of land do you come from that you can build your homes from gold and silver and rubies and diamonds? And can’t you give me three wishes and give the next crying princess two wishes? Why should I only get two wishes?”
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there was a beautiful princess living in a magnificent castle. Her father the king gave her anything she asked for but she spent most of her day crying, as most princesses do.
The king had offered gold, silver, rubies and diamonds to anyone who could stop the princess from crying and make her happy again. Many had tried and all had failed.
One day while the princess was crying in her castle tower she spied a little man approaching through a clearing in the forest. She watched with interest as he made his way towards the main gates.
“I’m here to stop the crying princess from crying, ” he said to the big fat ugly castle guard.
“No one can stop her crying, better men than you have tried. Be off little hunchback.” said the big fat ugly castle guard.
“Well they didn’t try hard enough, let me in.”
“Get lost little hunchback man, or I’ll set the castle dogs on you.”
But the princess came running down to meet this little hunchback man who had a pet monkey named Lassie.
“My father, the king of the castle, will give you a bag of gold and silver and rubies and diamonds if you can stop me from crying,” she said through her tears.
“I have no use for gold and silver and rubies and diamonds, I come from a land far, far away where we build our homes with gold and silver and rubies and diamonds,” he said.
“Oh, very well, what can we give you then little hunchback man with a monkey named Lassie?”
“You can kiss my little monkey so that she’ll be turned back into a dog.”
“And how will that make me happy and stop me from crying?”
“I’ll grant you two wishes.”
“Shouldn’t that be three wishes? Little hunchback man.”
“Hey, less of the little hunchback man bit, I don’t need to be reminded, and yes, you’re right, it should be three wishes, but the last crying princess wanted four wishes, so that only leaves me with two wishes to offer you.”
“You gave her four wishes yet she didn’t turn your monkey back into a dog, who was it? I bet it was that wretched princess Anna-Buckle in Quackselvania, what did she wish for with her four wishes? The greedy little sow.”
“I can’t tell you what she wished for but she doesn’t cry anymore.”
“Did she have to kiss your monkey? Why didn’t she get turned back into a dog? How did she get turned into a monkey in the first place? Don’t you like her as a monkey? What if she doesn’t turn back into a dog if I kiss her? What kind of dog was she? What if she prefers being a monkey? How do I know you can grant wishes? What if my-----------”
“Stop, stop, you’re giving me a headache, God almighty I liked you better when you were crying.”
“You didn’t answer my question, why didn’t the last crying princess turn her back into a dog? You gave her one of my wishes. Do you really think I’m going to kiss a monkey. My father will chop your head off, and what do you want if you don’t want gold and silver and rubies and diamonds? There’s something funny about you. What if my wishes don’t come true? And what kind of land do you come from that you can build your homes from gold and silver and rubies and diamonds? And can’t you give me three wishes and give the next crying princess two wishes? Why should I only get two wishes?”
The little hunchback man was beginning to regret coming to the castle, this little princess was driving him crazy. She wasn’t stopping. “Can’t you give me a trial wish? How do I know my wish will come true? And how do I know------”
“Stop! Stop! Let’s just forget the whole thing, I’ll go down to the village and give away the two wishes to someone who’ll be grateful.”
“Oh no you won’t little hunchback man, I’ll tell my father to lock you up in a dungeon and you’ll be hanged in the morning.”
The hunchback took off like the hammers of hell but was stopped by the big fat ugly guard and was brought back to the tower.
The king arrived to inquire about the progress. “How are you making out little hunchback man?” he said. “Do you think you’ll be able to stop her from crying? she’s driving us nuts with her constant bawling day and night.”
“We’re making progress.”
“No we’re not, he wants me to kiss his stupid monkey,” said the princess.
“He what?”
“He thinks if I kiss his monkey it’ll turn back into his old flea bitten dog.”
“Is this true little hunchback man?”
“Yes and I’ll give her two wishes to boot.”
“Shouldn’t that be three wishes?”
“Ah for fuck sake, here we go again, I have only two wishes left to give.”
“Will it shut her up and stop her crying?
“Yes.!”
“Done deal, kiss the monkey,” said the king.
“I won’t”
“You will.”
“I won’t.”
“Kiss the fucken monkey so we can all get a decent night’s sleep for once.”
“He has to give me one wish first”
“Give her, her stupid wish.”
“I can’t”
“You will.”
“Ah for the love of God then I’ll force you to marry her and you can take her back with you to wherever you came from. How’s that?”
“Good deal, I’ll put her to work in my dragon slaughterhouse where she’ll slog and slave up to her ankles in dragon’s piss all day.”
“I won’t go,”
“You’ll go.”
“I won’t.”
“You will.”
“All right, all right, she can have one wish but it won’t come true till tomorrow.”
“Will it stop her crying tonight?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll kiss the frigging monkey myself, what’s his name?”
“Lassie”
“That’s a stupid name for a monkey.”
“She’s a dog turned into a monkey by the wizard of Arizona.”
“Never heard of him, why would he do such a thing?”
“He’s mean-spirited.”
“Maybe I should have him brought here,” said the king.
“He’d turn you into a hunchback like he did to me.”
“Nasty business.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Stop! Stop! Let’s just forget the whole thing, I’ll go down to the village and give away the two wishes to someone who’ll be grateful.”
“Oh no you won’t little hunchback man, I’ll tell my father to lock you up in a dungeon and you’ll be hanged in the morning.”
The hunchback took off like the hammers of hell but was stopped by the big fat ugly guard and was brought back to the tower.
The king arrived to inquire about the progress. “How are you making out little hunchback man?” he said. “Do you think you’ll be able to stop her from crying? she’s driving us nuts with her constant bawling day and night.”
“We’re making progress.”
“No we’re not, he wants me to kiss his stupid monkey,” said the princess.
“He what?”
“He thinks if I kiss his monkey it’ll turn back into his old flea bitten dog.”
“Is this true little hunchback man?”
“Yes and I’ll give her two wishes to boot.”
“Shouldn’t that be three wishes?”
“Ah for fuck sake, here we go again, I have only two wishes left to give.”
“Will it shut her up and stop her crying?
“Yes.!”
“Done deal, kiss the monkey,” said the king.
“I won’t”
“You will.”
“I won’t.”
“Kiss the fucken monkey so we can all get a decent night’s sleep for once.”
“He has to give me one wish first”
“Give her, her stupid wish.”
“I can’t”
“You will.”
“Ah for the love of God then I’ll force you to marry her and you can take her back with you to wherever you came from. How’s that?”
“Good deal, I’ll put her to work in my dragon slaughterhouse where she’ll slog and slave up to her ankles in dragon’s piss all day.”
“I won’t go,”
“You’ll go.”
“I won’t.”
“You will.”
“All right, all right, she can have one wish but it won’t come true till tomorrow.”
“Will it stop her crying tonight?”
“No.”
“Then I’ll kiss the frigging monkey myself, what’s his name?”
“Lassie”
“That’s a stupid name for a monkey.”
“She’s a dog turned into a monkey by the wizard of Arizona.”
“Never heard of him, why would he do such a thing?”
“He’s mean-spirited.”
“Maybe I should have him brought here,” said the king.
“He’d turn you into a hunchback like he did to me.”
“Nasty business.”
“Tell me about it.”
The queen came in. “How are things? Is he able to stop her from crying?”
“Yes, but she’s stubborn, she won’t cooperate, she refuses to kiss his monkey.”
“Will it stop her from crying?”
“Yes.”
“Kiss the monkey.”
“I won’t.”
“You will.”
“I won’t.”
“For the love of God will one of you idiots kiss the frigging monkey?” The king said.
“Wait,” said the princess, “we still don’t know what he wants in return.”
“What do you want in return little hunchback man?”
“He doesn’t like to be called that.” the princess said.
“I couldn’t care less, I have twenty peasants out there waiting to be hanged, the Queen of Sheba and the bishop of Seville are coming today, I don’t want them kept awake all night by this one bawling.”
“I’ll do the best I can sir,” said the little hunchback.
“What can I give you in return? She says you have no interest in gold and silver and rubies and diamonds.”
“I’ll take her off your hands.”
“No!” shouted the princess
“I have a house made from gold and silver and rubies and diamonds.”
“That’s good enough for me,” said the king. “The brat has been spoiled rotten from day one, we gave her everything she asked for, she got witches, wizards, jesters, dwarfs and fools to keep her entertained; She could cast a spell or put a curse on you when she was only six, she made her own poisons, she was very creative you know, she even had her own torture chamber and her own personal hangman with plenty of peasants to hang; Where did we go wrong?”
“She’ll settle in grand in my place,” the little hunchback said.
“I’ll kill his monkey.”
“Let’s just forget the whole thing and I’ll be on my way.”
“Chop his head off daddy.”
“You’re all a bunch of fucking nuts, I’m out of here.”
“Oh no you’re not,” the queen said and grabbed little Lassie, she held her up to the princess’s lips.
“Kiss the monkey, do it, do it now or there’ll be no more tea and crumpets for you, the hunchback can take you to his dragon slaughterhouse where you’ll slog and slave up to your ankles in dragon piss for the rest of your life.”
“Yes, but she’s stubborn, she won’t cooperate, she refuses to kiss his monkey.”
“Will it stop her from crying?”
“Yes.”
“Kiss the monkey.”
“I won’t.”
“You will.”
“I won’t.”
“For the love of God will one of you idiots kiss the frigging monkey?” The king said.
“Wait,” said the princess, “we still don’t know what he wants in return.”
“What do you want in return little hunchback man?”
“He doesn’t like to be called that.” the princess said.
“I couldn’t care less, I have twenty peasants out there waiting to be hanged, the Queen of Sheba and the bishop of Seville are coming today, I don’t want them kept awake all night by this one bawling.”
“I’ll do the best I can sir,” said the little hunchback.
“What can I give you in return? She says you have no interest in gold and silver and rubies and diamonds.”
“I’ll take her off your hands.”
“No!” shouted the princess
“I have a house made from gold and silver and rubies and diamonds.”
“That’s good enough for me,” said the king. “The brat has been spoiled rotten from day one, we gave her everything she asked for, she got witches, wizards, jesters, dwarfs and fools to keep her entertained; She could cast a spell or put a curse on you when she was only six, she made her own poisons, she was very creative you know, she even had her own torture chamber and her own personal hangman with plenty of peasants to hang; Where did we go wrong?”
“She’ll settle in grand in my place,” the little hunchback said.
“I’ll kill his monkey.”
“Let’s just forget the whole thing and I’ll be on my way.”
“Chop his head off daddy.”
“You’re all a bunch of fucking nuts, I’m out of here.”
“Oh no you’re not,” the queen said and grabbed little Lassie, she held her up to the princess’s lips.
“Kiss the monkey, do it, do it now or there’ll be no more tea and crumpets for you, the hunchback can take you to his dragon slaughterhouse where you’ll slog and slave up to your ankles in dragon piss for the rest of your life.”
That did the trick, she kissed the monkey. There was a flash and a puff of smoke and lo and behold the monkey turned back into a beautiful dog who seemed confused but delighted as he wagged his tail and licked his master’s face.
The little hunchback man was thrilled. “Lassie, you’re back, you’re back.”
They looked at the princess, her tears had all dried up and she was smiling.
“I’m cured, I’m cured,” she exclaimed. “I’m happy again, no more crying.” She threw her arms around the little hunchback and kissed him. There was another flash and a puff of smoke just like in the movies and there before her stood a tall handsome young man smiling and obviously very happy.
“Now you get two wishes,” said the man.
“Shouldn’t that be three wishes?” said the queen.
“It’s a long story.”
“I don’t want them,” said the beautiful princess, “I just want him and his dog Lassie.”
“I’ll take the wishes,” said the queen.
“Done deal,” said the handsome young man.
The following day after everyone got a great night’s sleep the bishop of Seville married the happy couple, he then left with the queen of Sheba (but that’s another story).
And they all lived happily ever after.
What happened to the queen? Well she got her two wishes, one of which was to be beautiful and the second was, to live forever. She is currently in Australia and married to her 312th husband the prince of Wangadi, known locally as Wally, owner of Wally Wallaby’s Truck Stop. She’s very happy there making pizzas and wichity grub sandwiches for Asian tourists on the trail of Pokémon monsters.
She’s very friendly and will gladly pose for selfies and sign autographs. And if you buy her a gin and tonic she’ll tell you a great story about the bishop and the queen of Sheba.!
The little hunchback man was thrilled. “Lassie, you’re back, you’re back.”
They looked at the princess, her tears had all dried up and she was smiling.
“I’m cured, I’m cured,” she exclaimed. “I’m happy again, no more crying.” She threw her arms around the little hunchback and kissed him. There was another flash and a puff of smoke just like in the movies and there before her stood a tall handsome young man smiling and obviously very happy.
“Now you get two wishes,” said the man.
“Shouldn’t that be three wishes?” said the queen.
“It’s a long story.”
“I don’t want them,” said the beautiful princess, “I just want him and his dog Lassie.”
“I’ll take the wishes,” said the queen.
“Done deal,” said the handsome young man.
The following day after everyone got a great night’s sleep the bishop of Seville married the happy couple, he then left with the queen of Sheba (but that’s another story).
And they all lived happily ever after.
What happened to the queen? Well she got her two wishes, one of which was to be beautiful and the second was, to live forever. She is currently in Australia and married to her 312th husband the prince of Wangadi, known locally as Wally, owner of Wally Wallaby’s Truck Stop. She’s very happy there making pizzas and wichity grub sandwiches for Asian tourists on the trail of Pokémon monsters.
She’s very friendly and will gladly pose for selfies and sign autographs. And if you buy her a gin and tonic she’ll tell you a great story about the bishop and the queen of Sheba.!
