Story Six Spaguto Lezuki
Spaguto Lezuki.
Princess Penelope, was a real tyrant, people were terrified of her. She was so fat that she couldn’t get on a horse, so when she left the castle she rode on a big fat pig named Flossie who had a special saddle so that the princess could get on and off easily when she wanted to shop. Of course she never paid for anything because her daddy was the king, so she just took whatever she wanted.
One day a stranger visiting the town saw the princess riding the pig and he laughed hysterically. The princess was furious and demanded to know his name. “I’ll have your head off,” she screeched, “I’m the king’s daughter, report to the castle immediately and tell them you’re there to have your head chopped off, Go…! Go this instant.”
“And what if I don’t feel like having my head chopped off today?” he said.
“How dare you question my authority? My father will do anything I tell him to do.”
“Then he’s as stupid as that pig you’re sitting on.” The pig gave a disgruntled grunt. “Sorry pig I should have kept my remarks to the other pig.”
“Oh..! Such insolence, I’ll have them cut your tongue out.”
“Well, I won’t have much use for it with my head chopped off will I?”
The princess clicked her fingers for her bodyguards to come. “Take him to the castle, tell my father not to kill him until I arrive.”
The stranger was taken away and the princess continued to do her thieving from the terrified peasants.
After a couple of hours she went to her favorite eating house where she was greeted enthusiastically by Luigi Spongaduci the owner. “Princess Penelope, how delightful it is to a see you, I heard you were in town I have prepared the most delicious meal for you, made from the most exotic and delicate ingredients. You will love it as you always do what a pleasure it is to see you Princess.”
“That sounds wonderful Luigi what’s the main ingredient?”
“Ingredient? My dear princess that would spoil the surprise, I will serve it to you with my best wine reserved only for you.”
“Splendid Luigi, you never disappoint me.”
Luigi scurried off to his kitchen barking out orders and clapping his hands at his waiters. “Hurry you fools, Princess Penelope is here don’t keep her awaiting… You, go and get her pig and give her something good to eat, she needs all her strength to carry that fat bag of lard around.”
Luigi’s wife stood in the doorway wagging her finger at him. “She’ll hear you one of these days and I’ll be a widow, please don’t serve her that spaguto lezuki you’ve been working on.”
Luigi just laughed and went off to supervise the preparation of the food.
The meal was presented to the princess while Luigi sat opposite her, his face filled with joy in anticipation of the princess’s approval. It’s my own favorite meal Princess Penelope, I call it Spaguto Lezuki, a delicate cuisine for a delicate young lady and all garnished with the most succulent of seasonal produce for your dining pleasure, would you like to partake in a little aperitif before dining?”
“Oh Luigi, you have such a way with words, caramelize, sauté, garnish, alfresco, whatever do they mean?”
“Oh they’re just words that chefs love to throw in, it makes us sound important.”
“But you are important Luigi, I can’t wait.” Penelope said as she studied the meal.
“Bon Appétit princess I have served it with a spirited exciting wine to compliment your pungent, pusillanimous palate, what an extravagance, probably a second cut from the vineyard of Baron Von Putrid, I save only my best wines for you princess, this effervescent vivacious little wine has a refined balance of grotesque acidity and a nuttiness texture contrasting with a spicy flamboyant blend of selected rancid entrails aged and reserved for only the finest of contemptible individuals such as yourself princess.”
“There you go with the big words again Luigi, you certainly are educated and look at this meal, superb, absolutely wonderful, you’ve outdone yourself again, it smells divine, garlic, butter and those secret spices that you import specially for me, you’re going to have to come and work for us in the castle.”
“Oh you’re too kind Princess, but, taste, please.”
“Well I think I see some squid, and this looks like those skuldafini mushrooms that you often use, and that looks like a goose liver, over here we have those toasted carrot seeds, this looks like crispy pork loin and over here it looks like baked turkey in that famous kuckufunt sauce that you developed just for me and your wines are always excellent.”
Luigi clapped his hands enthusiastically. “Splended, splendid Princess, you have a way with words yourself, enjoy, please.”
The princess wolfed down her meal to Luigi’s disgust, he thought to himself as she devoured the meal why don’t you just put it on the floor and growl at it? Your pig has better manners than you.”
Penelope finished the meal and congratulated Luigi again then left without paying as was her usual habit. Luigi walked her to her waiting pig and waved to them as they headed back to the castle. He waited until they were out of earshot.
“Goodbye princess, you fat fuckaloni, your pig ate better than you did today, I hope you enjoyed your rat’s tails squid and your crispy pork rattlesnake spleen, and your toasted carrot seed parrot droppings and your baked turkey cat liver and your favorite kuckufunt sauce which is nothing more than a concoction of ground parrot feathers, fish eyes, maggots and rat butt holes sautéed in camel snot and jackdaw’s blood with ground up snail shells and pickled pig farts, what a difference a little garlic and butter makes, you fat sow, I can’t wait for you to come again, the camels piss wine is maturing nicely in my cellar awaiting your next visit.”
Luigi’s wife was standing in the kitchen doorway shaking her finger at him again. “Your head will roll if she ever discovers what’s in that Spaguto Lezuki, Luigi Spongaduci.”
Luigi just laughed. “It hasn’t killed her yet.”
The princess arrived back at the castle and the servants raced to help her off Flossie the pig. “What’s all the commotion? I can hear my father laughing hysterically a mile away, she said.
“That man that you sent to have his head chopped off, he and your father have been laughing and drinking all day, they’ve been in the banquet hall feasting for hours,” the servant said.
“WHAT? WHAT? I don’t believe this, get out of my way you hairy faced fool.” she said as she stormed off to the banquet hall.
“Ah, my dear, come, come, I want you to meet my new friend, this is Seth, he comes from the future, he’s been telling me all about how stupid the world will become in 2030.”
“I don’t want to hear anything about it, I sent him here to have his head chopped off.”
“Nonsense my dear come and listen, he tells of people walking around taking selfies and talking into a little box that people can hear thousands of miles away.”
“Stop, stop it father you’re drunk, he’s making a fool out of you, people in the future will be educated and intelligent, I won’t listen to this drivel.”
“No, No daughter you have to listen, Seth, go ahead tell her what a selfie is.”
“Well princess, a selfie is like a painting of your own image, you hold the little box at arm’s length and smile, then a flash of light goes off and low and behold you can then send that image anywhere in the world instantly so that total strangers can look at it and see what you look like, then they in turn will send you images of their fat little children and their dogs dressed up in Christmas costumes.”
“He’s quite mad father, why would millions of strangers want to see an image of someone they don’t even know? And who wants to see images of their fat children?”
“It’s entertainment princess, people take thousands of selfies every day, you can also send an image of a meal before you eat it so that the same strangers can envy you and say, ‘what a wonderful time he’s having,’ then you can send an image of the empty plate. I sent one today of you on your pig, It’s bound to get a million likes.”
“He’s out of his mind and a danger to the public father, off with his head, I insist, and what kind of a name is Seth anyway, who would name a child Seth?”
The king got excited. “Wait a minute future-man, do you mean to say you brought this magic selfie box with you?” he said.
“Yes, your henchmen took it when they brought me here, it’s in my bag.”
The king sent for Seth’s bag. “Bring it here immediately you chicken brained mongrels, I’ll have your muck savage heads off,” he roared.
The servants brought the bag on the end of a long pole, a look of sheer terror on their faces. “There’s someone in there your highness, tiny devils, I beg you please don’t open the bag it’s a trick.”
“Nonsense you imbeciles, it’s his magic box for sending selfies around the world, the man is a highly educated genius, he comes from the future, Go, leave.”
The servants didn’t wait to be told twice they scattered off in all directions like terrified rabbits.
“Uneducated Neanderthals, I’m surrounded by fools,” the king roared.
But Seth understood the servant’s terror and for the first time he regretted choosing that particular ringtone, because the voice in the phone was saying, “It’s me, it’s your phone, answer me, answer me, hello, hello, answer me,” it repeated. The king jumped up and grabbed his sword. “Stand back future-man,” he shouted. The princess screamed, the court jesters stood terrified, the servants ran away followed by a scatter of terrified midgets.
“Answer me, answer me,” the phone was saying.
“Stand back I said,” the king repeated as he brought the heavy sword down upon the bag. But Seth was too fast for him and pulled the bag out of harm’s way. He finally got his hands on the phone and answered it.
“Hello Alex, I’ve arrived, I’m in the king’s palace, it’s the year 1572, (Yes,yes I know they have no satellites but this is a fairy tale remember?) Look I’ll call you back I’m talking to the king, yes, that was his daughter on the pig, I’m going to take more photos and send them to you.”
The king had his sword raised high over his head preparing to do battle again with these evil forces from the future when Seth got beside him and snapped off a quick selfie. “What kind of trickery is this, who is that spirit in the magic box talking about my daughter on her pig? I want answers or I’ll have your head off.”
“That was my friend Alex from the future, he’s in America.”
“What’s America? Speak… future-man or I’ll kill you and all those spirits in that tiny devils box.”
“Let me show you your highness,” Seth said, and he showed him the selfie that he had just taken with his sword raised above his head.”
“It’s black magic father he’s an evil wizard, off with his head now, I beg you before he puts a curse on us all.”
But the king was intrigued; he took the little magic box gingerly in his hands and studied it. Seth showed him the recent photos. “See, that’s your daughter on her pig in the village this morning.”
The king laughed heartily. “Which one is the pig?”
“Oh Funny, very funny--- Let me see that,” the princess said and grabbed the little magic box. She was mesmerized, “It’s Flossie alright but that’s not me riding her, she’s too fat to be riding Flossie, who is that fat cow riding my pig? I’ll have her head off.”
“Oh it’s you alright daughter, you have to lay off the grilled sogatuli and the spaguto raviuchi, you’re getting too fat.”
The princess went off in a huff vowing to have future-man’s head in a bucket before the day was out.
“I’m not fat, I’m a plus size,” she yelled.
“You’re fat, now go, do something useful, count my money, torture some prisoners, terrorize the peasants, clean out the stables, walk the dog.”
“Walk the dog? You’re drunk father, why would anyone walk a dog?”
“Future man says that people in the future will take their dogs for a walk.”
“And you believe him? Please daddy chop his head off.”
“Go…! Find a husband before you get too fat.!”
The king looked at Seth, “There’s a thousand things she could be doing around here, we’re running low on poison, the guillotine needs to be sharpened, she could polish my crown, collect taxes from the poor, how does she think we live around here? If the fat slob is not careful she’ll end up in the same dungeon as her mother.”
“Her mother is in a dungeon?”
“Yes, well I really didn’t have the heart to kill her, vile creature that she is.”
“How long has she been locked up?”
“Oh about seventeen years but who’s counting?”
“I guess she is.”
“Ha-ha, you’re funny future man but you didn’t have to put up with her madness, I want this, I want that, you never buy me anything. Well I bought her curtains for her cell ten years ago, the lazy wretch. I hate laziness futureman. I hate laziness…!”
“Oh we have lazy people too king, nobody walks up a stairs anymore, the stairs move up or down, you just stand on it and up you go and they’re even too lazy to go back down, the stairs will take them back down too.”
“You tell me there are fat peasants in the future?”
“Are you kidding me? They’re so fat they can’t get out of bed, people have to bring them food all day or they’ll get angry.”
“These people that you describe futureman, are they Monarchs? Crowned heads? Royalty?”
“Royalty? Quite the opposite king, most are poor, they’re so fat they have to go to a hospital and have all the fat sucked out with a machine so they can go home and eat more food.”
“We could do with a machine like that around here, what’s a hospital?.”
“It’s a building where people go to be cured of illness.”
The king was highly impressed with the future, he was astounded to hear that ‘all-you-can-eat’ was no longer just for kings. “You mean ordinary peasants can go into an eatery and stuff themselves until they can’t eat any more?”
“Yes, and they can do it two or three times a day if they want, they even have contests to see who can eat the most food,”
“Oh my daughter would win that, she could drag a chicken across her face and of that chicken would leave no trace.” The king laughed heartily at his own humor.
“You should see what they do for entertainment king.”
“Entertainment? Why would peasants want to be entertained? Don’t they have to work and pay taxes?”
“Oh we have taxes to pay alright but on weekends we go skiing, we jump in the car for four hours and go to the snow mountain, get on a machine that takes you to the top, then you strap on two planks of wood and come sliding back down. They do it all day long.”
“If they did that here I’d have them chained up in the dungeon, what’s a car?”
“It’s a mechanical machine with four wheels, you get into it and sit there for hours and it takes you anywhere you want to go.”
“And this, ‘car’ takes you home again from sliding on the mountain?”
“Yes but first we have to go to the all-you-can-eat restaurant to stuff ourselves again.”
“And you say they take an image of their food before they eat it, are people that stupid future-man?”
“Stupid? I’ll tell you stupid, you see that little magic box there, everyone in the future has one, they’re obsessed with it, they go without food just to have the best one, millions of these idiots go out with it to find poky monsters every day, they get themselves into all kinds of trouble, falling off cliffs, trespassing on private property, being shot at, even taking off to foreign countries and getting themselves locked up.” The king looked at Seth, mesmerized.
“Well, they may be stupid but they’re very brave hunting those poky monsters.”
“No, no king, the monsters are not real, it’s just their imagination.”
This was too much for the king, he couldn’t believe that future people could be so stupid. He looked sad. “I thought people in the future would be intelligent, but from what you tell me the world will become full of idiots.”
“Idiots is right King, they’re so stupid that when they buy coffee in a paper cup they have to have their names written on the cup in case they forget their names.”
“Paper cup? Coffee? Pokey monsters? You really do come from a strange time future-man, tell me more about these stupid future people.”
“Well king, they all go around with bottles of water, sipping from them all day, terrified that they will die of thirst, and some of them even rely on that little black box to tell them when to take another drink and even where to find the next bottle of water.” The king made no secret of his disdain for what the future held.
“What kind of leadership would allow such nonsense? Don’t you have guillotines, dungeons and torture chambers future-man?”
“Well we do have prisons king, but most of them are filled with people who just wanted to smoke a weed that would make them happy and peaceful. We could really do with someone like you king, our leaders are corrupt, shady and are driven by greed, they have a sense of entitlement and persuade us to elect them to run things for us but all they do is enrich themselves, lie to us and make stupid laws, they squander our tax money then borrow money from other countries for stupid things, they keep secrets from us, then they fool us into keeping them in office until they’re old men.”
“But you said you elect these freeloaders, if they’re that self serving why do you re-elect them?”
“People are stupid king, they believe that by re-electing them they’ll do things differently next time but they do the same things and award themselves more money and treat us like children, we really do need someone like you.”
“I have to agree with you future-man, people in the future will be dumb bastards.”
They stayed up all night talking about monstrous future machines that rode on steel rails carrying hundreds of people across countries, about sky ships that brought people all over the world, sea ships that carried thousands of people to exotic places while they gorge themselves on food and drink for the entire trip then go and have the fat sucked out and have the miles turned back on their faces.
They became good friends. “Today king, I’ll show you how to play golf, you dig a bunch of holes in the ground and get a little ball and a piece of wood, and then you beat that ball around until it goes into each hole.”
“And you imbeciles think this is fun future-man? Don’t your leaders try to lock them up?”
“Our leaders are the ones that do it most king.”
“And you tell me that you elect these clowns? Don’t you have kings and queens?
“More queens than kings but that’s another story.”
“I see, now tell me more about that basketball game that only seven foot tall people can play, can’t they lower the nets so that smaller people can play it also?”
“I guess they never thought of that.”
“I think people in the future are even more stupid than the imbeciles that I have to put up with.”
“Tell me about it, people in the future become so famous that idiots worship their name scribbled on a piece of paper.”
“I’d have their heads off for being so stupid, what would make them famous?”
“For some it may be singing, for others it could be those sports I told you about and others are famous just for being good looking.”
“You truly do come from a strange time future-man, I want to hear more about your world, maybe you’d consider staying on and working for me, you can be my minister for plunder and looting.” Seth laughed heartily. “Are you sure you’re not from the 21st century?”
“Well think about it while we go for lunch, I’ll take you to my friend, Luigi Spongaduci’s restaurant in the village, as my guest you can eat and drink all you want, he serves the best Spaguto Lezuki in the kingdom.
“That sounds great king,”
“Good, then you can tell me more about that moving stairs and that fat sucking machine, future-man.”
“You’ll be amazed.”
“Wonderful, now tell me again how I can get my tooth whitened.”
Princess Penelope, was a real tyrant, people were terrified of her. She was so fat that she couldn’t get on a horse, so when she left the castle she rode on a big fat pig named Flossie who had a special saddle so that the princess could get on and off easily when she wanted to shop. Of course she never paid for anything because her daddy was the king, so she just took whatever she wanted.
One day a stranger visiting the town saw the princess riding the pig and he laughed hysterically. The princess was furious and demanded to know his name. “I’ll have your head off,” she screeched, “I’m the king’s daughter, report to the castle immediately and tell them you’re there to have your head chopped off, Go…! Go this instant.”
“And what if I don’t feel like having my head chopped off today?” he said.
“How dare you question my authority? My father will do anything I tell him to do.”
“Then he’s as stupid as that pig you’re sitting on.” The pig gave a disgruntled grunt. “Sorry pig I should have kept my remarks to the other pig.”
“Oh..! Such insolence, I’ll have them cut your tongue out.”
“Well, I won’t have much use for it with my head chopped off will I?”
The princess clicked her fingers for her bodyguards to come. “Take him to the castle, tell my father not to kill him until I arrive.”
The stranger was taken away and the princess continued to do her thieving from the terrified peasants.
After a couple of hours she went to her favorite eating house where she was greeted enthusiastically by Luigi Spongaduci the owner. “Princess Penelope, how delightful it is to a see you, I heard you were in town I have prepared the most delicious meal for you, made from the most exotic and delicate ingredients. You will love it as you always do what a pleasure it is to see you Princess.”
“That sounds wonderful Luigi what’s the main ingredient?”
“Ingredient? My dear princess that would spoil the surprise, I will serve it to you with my best wine reserved only for you.”
“Splendid Luigi, you never disappoint me.”
Luigi scurried off to his kitchen barking out orders and clapping his hands at his waiters. “Hurry you fools, Princess Penelope is here don’t keep her awaiting… You, go and get her pig and give her something good to eat, she needs all her strength to carry that fat bag of lard around.”
Luigi’s wife stood in the doorway wagging her finger at him. “She’ll hear you one of these days and I’ll be a widow, please don’t serve her that spaguto lezuki you’ve been working on.”
Luigi just laughed and went off to supervise the preparation of the food.
The meal was presented to the princess while Luigi sat opposite her, his face filled with joy in anticipation of the princess’s approval. It’s my own favorite meal Princess Penelope, I call it Spaguto Lezuki, a delicate cuisine for a delicate young lady and all garnished with the most succulent of seasonal produce for your dining pleasure, would you like to partake in a little aperitif before dining?”
“Oh Luigi, you have such a way with words, caramelize, sauté, garnish, alfresco, whatever do they mean?”
“Oh they’re just words that chefs love to throw in, it makes us sound important.”
“But you are important Luigi, I can’t wait.” Penelope said as she studied the meal.
“Bon Appétit princess I have served it with a spirited exciting wine to compliment your pungent, pusillanimous palate, what an extravagance, probably a second cut from the vineyard of Baron Von Putrid, I save only my best wines for you princess, this effervescent vivacious little wine has a refined balance of grotesque acidity and a nuttiness texture contrasting with a spicy flamboyant blend of selected rancid entrails aged and reserved for only the finest of contemptible individuals such as yourself princess.”
“There you go with the big words again Luigi, you certainly are educated and look at this meal, superb, absolutely wonderful, you’ve outdone yourself again, it smells divine, garlic, butter and those secret spices that you import specially for me, you’re going to have to come and work for us in the castle.”
“Oh you’re too kind Princess, but, taste, please.”
“Well I think I see some squid, and this looks like those skuldafini mushrooms that you often use, and that looks like a goose liver, over here we have those toasted carrot seeds, this looks like crispy pork loin and over here it looks like baked turkey in that famous kuckufunt sauce that you developed just for me and your wines are always excellent.”
Luigi clapped his hands enthusiastically. “Splended, splendid Princess, you have a way with words yourself, enjoy, please.”
The princess wolfed down her meal to Luigi’s disgust, he thought to himself as she devoured the meal why don’t you just put it on the floor and growl at it? Your pig has better manners than you.”
Penelope finished the meal and congratulated Luigi again then left without paying as was her usual habit. Luigi walked her to her waiting pig and waved to them as they headed back to the castle. He waited until they were out of earshot.
“Goodbye princess, you fat fuckaloni, your pig ate better than you did today, I hope you enjoyed your rat’s tails squid and your crispy pork rattlesnake spleen, and your toasted carrot seed parrot droppings and your baked turkey cat liver and your favorite kuckufunt sauce which is nothing more than a concoction of ground parrot feathers, fish eyes, maggots and rat butt holes sautéed in camel snot and jackdaw’s blood with ground up snail shells and pickled pig farts, what a difference a little garlic and butter makes, you fat sow, I can’t wait for you to come again, the camels piss wine is maturing nicely in my cellar awaiting your next visit.”
Luigi’s wife was standing in the kitchen doorway shaking her finger at him again. “Your head will roll if she ever discovers what’s in that Spaguto Lezuki, Luigi Spongaduci.”
Luigi just laughed. “It hasn’t killed her yet.”
The princess arrived back at the castle and the servants raced to help her off Flossie the pig. “What’s all the commotion? I can hear my father laughing hysterically a mile away, she said.
“That man that you sent to have his head chopped off, he and your father have been laughing and drinking all day, they’ve been in the banquet hall feasting for hours,” the servant said.
“WHAT? WHAT? I don’t believe this, get out of my way you hairy faced fool.” she said as she stormed off to the banquet hall.
“Ah, my dear, come, come, I want you to meet my new friend, this is Seth, he comes from the future, he’s been telling me all about how stupid the world will become in 2030.”
“I don’t want to hear anything about it, I sent him here to have his head chopped off.”
“Nonsense my dear come and listen, he tells of people walking around taking selfies and talking into a little box that people can hear thousands of miles away.”
“Stop, stop it father you’re drunk, he’s making a fool out of you, people in the future will be educated and intelligent, I won’t listen to this drivel.”
“No, No daughter you have to listen, Seth, go ahead tell her what a selfie is.”
“Well princess, a selfie is like a painting of your own image, you hold the little box at arm’s length and smile, then a flash of light goes off and low and behold you can then send that image anywhere in the world instantly so that total strangers can look at it and see what you look like, then they in turn will send you images of their fat little children and their dogs dressed up in Christmas costumes.”
“He’s quite mad father, why would millions of strangers want to see an image of someone they don’t even know? And who wants to see images of their fat children?”
“It’s entertainment princess, people take thousands of selfies every day, you can also send an image of a meal before you eat it so that the same strangers can envy you and say, ‘what a wonderful time he’s having,’ then you can send an image of the empty plate. I sent one today of you on your pig, It’s bound to get a million likes.”
“He’s out of his mind and a danger to the public father, off with his head, I insist, and what kind of a name is Seth anyway, who would name a child Seth?”
The king got excited. “Wait a minute future-man, do you mean to say you brought this magic selfie box with you?” he said.
“Yes, your henchmen took it when they brought me here, it’s in my bag.”
The king sent for Seth’s bag. “Bring it here immediately you chicken brained mongrels, I’ll have your muck savage heads off,” he roared.
The servants brought the bag on the end of a long pole, a look of sheer terror on their faces. “There’s someone in there your highness, tiny devils, I beg you please don’t open the bag it’s a trick.”
“Nonsense you imbeciles, it’s his magic box for sending selfies around the world, the man is a highly educated genius, he comes from the future, Go, leave.”
The servants didn’t wait to be told twice they scattered off in all directions like terrified rabbits.
“Uneducated Neanderthals, I’m surrounded by fools,” the king roared.
But Seth understood the servant’s terror and for the first time he regretted choosing that particular ringtone, because the voice in the phone was saying, “It’s me, it’s your phone, answer me, answer me, hello, hello, answer me,” it repeated. The king jumped up and grabbed his sword. “Stand back future-man,” he shouted. The princess screamed, the court jesters stood terrified, the servants ran away followed by a scatter of terrified midgets.
“Answer me, answer me,” the phone was saying.
“Stand back I said,” the king repeated as he brought the heavy sword down upon the bag. But Seth was too fast for him and pulled the bag out of harm’s way. He finally got his hands on the phone and answered it.
“Hello Alex, I’ve arrived, I’m in the king’s palace, it’s the year 1572, (Yes,yes I know they have no satellites but this is a fairy tale remember?) Look I’ll call you back I’m talking to the king, yes, that was his daughter on the pig, I’m going to take more photos and send them to you.”
The king had his sword raised high over his head preparing to do battle again with these evil forces from the future when Seth got beside him and snapped off a quick selfie. “What kind of trickery is this, who is that spirit in the magic box talking about my daughter on her pig? I want answers or I’ll have your head off.”
“That was my friend Alex from the future, he’s in America.”
“What’s America? Speak… future-man or I’ll kill you and all those spirits in that tiny devils box.”
“Let me show you your highness,” Seth said, and he showed him the selfie that he had just taken with his sword raised above his head.”
“It’s black magic father he’s an evil wizard, off with his head now, I beg you before he puts a curse on us all.”
But the king was intrigued; he took the little magic box gingerly in his hands and studied it. Seth showed him the recent photos. “See, that’s your daughter on her pig in the village this morning.”
The king laughed heartily. “Which one is the pig?”
“Oh Funny, very funny--- Let me see that,” the princess said and grabbed the little magic box. She was mesmerized, “It’s Flossie alright but that’s not me riding her, she’s too fat to be riding Flossie, who is that fat cow riding my pig? I’ll have her head off.”
“Oh it’s you alright daughter, you have to lay off the grilled sogatuli and the spaguto raviuchi, you’re getting too fat.”
The princess went off in a huff vowing to have future-man’s head in a bucket before the day was out.
“I’m not fat, I’m a plus size,” she yelled.
“You’re fat, now go, do something useful, count my money, torture some prisoners, terrorize the peasants, clean out the stables, walk the dog.”
“Walk the dog? You’re drunk father, why would anyone walk a dog?”
“Future man says that people in the future will take their dogs for a walk.”
“And you believe him? Please daddy chop his head off.”
“Go…! Find a husband before you get too fat.!”
The king looked at Seth, “There’s a thousand things she could be doing around here, we’re running low on poison, the guillotine needs to be sharpened, she could polish my crown, collect taxes from the poor, how does she think we live around here? If the fat slob is not careful she’ll end up in the same dungeon as her mother.”
“Her mother is in a dungeon?”
“Yes, well I really didn’t have the heart to kill her, vile creature that she is.”
“How long has she been locked up?”
“Oh about seventeen years but who’s counting?”
“I guess she is.”
“Ha-ha, you’re funny future man but you didn’t have to put up with her madness, I want this, I want that, you never buy me anything. Well I bought her curtains for her cell ten years ago, the lazy wretch. I hate laziness futureman. I hate laziness…!”
“Oh we have lazy people too king, nobody walks up a stairs anymore, the stairs move up or down, you just stand on it and up you go and they’re even too lazy to go back down, the stairs will take them back down too.”
“You tell me there are fat peasants in the future?”
“Are you kidding me? They’re so fat they can’t get out of bed, people have to bring them food all day or they’ll get angry.”
“These people that you describe futureman, are they Monarchs? Crowned heads? Royalty?”
“Royalty? Quite the opposite king, most are poor, they’re so fat they have to go to a hospital and have all the fat sucked out with a machine so they can go home and eat more food.”
“We could do with a machine like that around here, what’s a hospital?.”
“It’s a building where people go to be cured of illness.”
The king was highly impressed with the future, he was astounded to hear that ‘all-you-can-eat’ was no longer just for kings. “You mean ordinary peasants can go into an eatery and stuff themselves until they can’t eat any more?”
“Yes, and they can do it two or three times a day if they want, they even have contests to see who can eat the most food,”
“Oh my daughter would win that, she could drag a chicken across her face and of that chicken would leave no trace.” The king laughed heartily at his own humor.
“You should see what they do for entertainment king.”
“Entertainment? Why would peasants want to be entertained? Don’t they have to work and pay taxes?”
“Oh we have taxes to pay alright but on weekends we go skiing, we jump in the car for four hours and go to the snow mountain, get on a machine that takes you to the top, then you strap on two planks of wood and come sliding back down. They do it all day long.”
“If they did that here I’d have them chained up in the dungeon, what’s a car?”
“It’s a mechanical machine with four wheels, you get into it and sit there for hours and it takes you anywhere you want to go.”
“And this, ‘car’ takes you home again from sliding on the mountain?”
“Yes but first we have to go to the all-you-can-eat restaurant to stuff ourselves again.”
“And you say they take an image of their food before they eat it, are people that stupid future-man?”
“Stupid? I’ll tell you stupid, you see that little magic box there, everyone in the future has one, they’re obsessed with it, they go without food just to have the best one, millions of these idiots go out with it to find poky monsters every day, they get themselves into all kinds of trouble, falling off cliffs, trespassing on private property, being shot at, even taking off to foreign countries and getting themselves locked up.” The king looked at Seth, mesmerized.
“Well, they may be stupid but they’re very brave hunting those poky monsters.”
“No, no king, the monsters are not real, it’s just their imagination.”
This was too much for the king, he couldn’t believe that future people could be so stupid. He looked sad. “I thought people in the future would be intelligent, but from what you tell me the world will become full of idiots.”
“Idiots is right King, they’re so stupid that when they buy coffee in a paper cup they have to have their names written on the cup in case they forget their names.”
“Paper cup? Coffee? Pokey monsters? You really do come from a strange time future-man, tell me more about these stupid future people.”
“Well king, they all go around with bottles of water, sipping from them all day, terrified that they will die of thirst, and some of them even rely on that little black box to tell them when to take another drink and even where to find the next bottle of water.” The king made no secret of his disdain for what the future held.
“What kind of leadership would allow such nonsense? Don’t you have guillotines, dungeons and torture chambers future-man?”
“Well we do have prisons king, but most of them are filled with people who just wanted to smoke a weed that would make them happy and peaceful. We could really do with someone like you king, our leaders are corrupt, shady and are driven by greed, they have a sense of entitlement and persuade us to elect them to run things for us but all they do is enrich themselves, lie to us and make stupid laws, they squander our tax money then borrow money from other countries for stupid things, they keep secrets from us, then they fool us into keeping them in office until they’re old men.”
“But you said you elect these freeloaders, if they’re that self serving why do you re-elect them?”
“People are stupid king, they believe that by re-electing them they’ll do things differently next time but they do the same things and award themselves more money and treat us like children, we really do need someone like you.”
“I have to agree with you future-man, people in the future will be dumb bastards.”
They stayed up all night talking about monstrous future machines that rode on steel rails carrying hundreds of people across countries, about sky ships that brought people all over the world, sea ships that carried thousands of people to exotic places while they gorge themselves on food and drink for the entire trip then go and have the fat sucked out and have the miles turned back on their faces.
They became good friends. “Today king, I’ll show you how to play golf, you dig a bunch of holes in the ground and get a little ball and a piece of wood, and then you beat that ball around until it goes into each hole.”
“And you imbeciles think this is fun future-man? Don’t your leaders try to lock them up?”
“Our leaders are the ones that do it most king.”
“And you tell me that you elect these clowns? Don’t you have kings and queens?
“More queens than kings but that’s another story.”
“I see, now tell me more about that basketball game that only seven foot tall people can play, can’t they lower the nets so that smaller people can play it also?”
“I guess they never thought of that.”
“I think people in the future are even more stupid than the imbeciles that I have to put up with.”
“Tell me about it, people in the future become so famous that idiots worship their name scribbled on a piece of paper.”
“I’d have their heads off for being so stupid, what would make them famous?”
“For some it may be singing, for others it could be those sports I told you about and others are famous just for being good looking.”
“You truly do come from a strange time future-man, I want to hear more about your world, maybe you’d consider staying on and working for me, you can be my minister for plunder and looting.” Seth laughed heartily. “Are you sure you’re not from the 21st century?”
“Well think about it while we go for lunch, I’ll take you to my friend, Luigi Spongaduci’s restaurant in the village, as my guest you can eat and drink all you want, he serves the best Spaguto Lezuki in the kingdom.
“That sounds great king,”
“Good, then you can tell me more about that moving stairs and that fat sucking machine, future-man.”
“You’ll be amazed.”
“Wonderful, now tell me again how I can get my tooth whitened.”
