Story Nine. Sproggy Clumperdink (cartoonish fantasy)
As if the town of Gobblebrook didn’t have enough to worry about with Wonky Pookle the wizard of Gobblebrook starting to slow down and screw things up, they now had to contend with this imbecile Sproggy Clumperdink the village idiot, hanging around Wonky’s place thinking he was going to be the next wizard of Gobblebrook.
It had gotten so bad with poor old Wonky that you couldn’t pass the time of day to him without having your dog turned into a cat and you could spend the rest of your day trying to get your dog down out of a tree. It wasn’t that Wonky was mean-spirited or nasty, it’s just that he was 294 years old now and was getting a little confused, the man didn’t know what planet he was living on, and now the townspeople were worried thinking that it would only be a matter of time before Wonkey would turn one of their children into a monkey or something. They were demanding that his magic wand be confiscated and the poor bastard be sent to a home for the bewildered.
But it doesn’t work that way, you don’t spend the best part of 300 years practicing magic, placing spells, curses, hexes and other wizardry things relying on a stick to do it for you. If that was the case then Sproggy Clumperdink would be well on his way to replacing Wonky, as he’d been paring down sticks and trying to cast spells on anyone who passed by his house for years.
But a recent incident had the townspeople worried. Sproggy had been in his front garden mumbling away in his usual incoherent babble when suddenly a squirrel jumped from a tree, ran down the street chasing a wagon and barking like a dog. Sproggy gave out a laugh and pointed his home made wand at Wally Whipplesnapper as if to say, “You’re next.” Poor Wally ran straight to the Municipal And Yokel Official Reporting office (now known as the acronym MAYOR for short ) in terror demanding that Sproggy be locked up before he could do more damage than old Wonky.
“Are you sure?” mayor Boney Belukha asked, “I mean, you haven’t been into the old cooking sherry have you?"
It had gotten so bad with poor old Wonky that you couldn’t pass the time of day to him without having your dog turned into a cat and you could spend the rest of your day trying to get your dog down out of a tree. It wasn’t that Wonky was mean-spirited or nasty, it’s just that he was 294 years old now and was getting a little confused, the man didn’t know what planet he was living on, and now the townspeople were worried thinking that it would only be a matter of time before Wonkey would turn one of their children into a monkey or something. They were demanding that his magic wand be confiscated and the poor bastard be sent to a home for the bewildered.
But it doesn’t work that way, you don’t spend the best part of 300 years practicing magic, placing spells, curses, hexes and other wizardry things relying on a stick to do it for you. If that was the case then Sproggy Clumperdink would be well on his way to replacing Wonky, as he’d been paring down sticks and trying to cast spells on anyone who passed by his house for years.
But a recent incident had the townspeople worried. Sproggy had been in his front garden mumbling away in his usual incoherent babble when suddenly a squirrel jumped from a tree, ran down the street chasing a wagon and barking like a dog. Sproggy gave out a laugh and pointed his home made wand at Wally Whipplesnapper as if to say, “You’re next.” Poor Wally ran straight to the Municipal And Yokel Official Reporting office (now known as the acronym MAYOR for short ) in terror demanding that Sproggy be locked up before he could do more damage than old Wonky.
“Are you sure?” mayor Boney Belukha asked, “I mean, you haven’t been into the old cooking sherry have you?"
"Not the drop of it, I saw it with me own eyes, the squirrel jumped down out of the tree and ran down the street chasing Toby Tickle’s wagon and barking like Floggy Murdock’s dog----! What are you going to do about it?”
“He’ll be behind bars before the night is out, go home.”
“Well make sure you take that stick away from him and burn it." “Ah, you’re making a big thing about nothing, sure everyone in the town knows that Sproggy hasn’t the brains of a chicken."
“That’s what has me worried, what are you going to charge him with?"
“He’ll be charged with ominous and sinister behavior under section six of municipal code 72 section D paragraph 22 rule 10 as amended in subsection 12 clause 10b.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“He’ll be charged with offences against a placid and mild mannered citizen and being a public nuisance.”
“Why didn’t you just say so?”
“I’m required to use the appropriate terminology, besides it makes me sound important, get out." “Well I’m not all that mild mannered and placid and if he comes around my place again I’ll take his magic stick and shove it up his..."
“You’ll do no such thing, you can’t take the law into your own hands, I’ll charge you with offences against the state, section 22, subsection 32, paragraph ------------.”
“Ah shove your sub paragraphs up yer arse-hole, just lock the fool up.”
With that Houka Pumpernickel came in. “I have a complaint against Sproggy whats-his-name." “Clumperdink.” Said Belukha.
“That’s what I said Sproggy Clumperdink."
“What’s the nature of your complaint Houka?”
“That’s Missus Pumpernickel to you Boney Belukha.” Boney laughed out loud.
“You think that’s a funny name? Well it’s better than Houka Belukha had I married you, like you wanted me to.”
“What’s the nature of your complaint?”
“What’s the nature of m complaint?"
“You don’t have to repeat the question missus Pumpernickel, you’re not in school.”
"He's striking terror into the heart of every man woman and child on the street.”
“That’s it, we’ll have him arrested,” mayor Belukhaa said.
“Arrested? And how are you going to arrest him? He’s flying up and down the street on a fucken broomstick with his cat Minni up front and his dog Cooper on the back if it, they’re pelting people with snowballs."
“Snowballs? It’s the middle of summer.!"
“Tell him that.! She said. Wally Whipplesnapper laughed. “What sub section and paragraph does that come under Boney Belukha?" “Get out, the pair of ye, we have serious work to do.”
But by now there were hundreds of people trying to get into his office to file complaints against Sproggy and his feline and canine confederates.
“There you are, a menace to society what did I tell ya? Mavis Bumblebum said. But her words were drowned out by the thunderous roar of Sproggy’s broomstick as he desperately tried to break the sound barrier and shatter every window in the town of Gobblebrook. Then it happened, there was an almighty bang as Sproggy came crashing through the big stained glass window of the mayor’s office whooping and hollering like a man possessed by satin himself, his two furry accomplices hanging on for dear life.
“God save and preserve us all,” Archie Pottlebottom said.
“There’s no stopping him now,” Toady Pinkletoe said.
“We may all pack up and leave,” Calvin Cracklsnap said.
“And we thought Wonky Pookle was bad,” Dizzy Frazzle said. “We’re all doomed,” said Polly Doofus
“He’ll be behind bars before the night is out, go home.”
“Well make sure you take that stick away from him and burn it." “Ah, you’re making a big thing about nothing, sure everyone in the town knows that Sproggy hasn’t the brains of a chicken."
“That’s what has me worried, what are you going to charge him with?"
“He’ll be charged with ominous and sinister behavior under section six of municipal code 72 section D paragraph 22 rule 10 as amended in subsection 12 clause 10b.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“He’ll be charged with offences against a placid and mild mannered citizen and being a public nuisance.”
“Why didn’t you just say so?”
“I’m required to use the appropriate terminology, besides it makes me sound important, get out." “Well I’m not all that mild mannered and placid and if he comes around my place again I’ll take his magic stick and shove it up his..."
“You’ll do no such thing, you can’t take the law into your own hands, I’ll charge you with offences against the state, section 22, subsection 32, paragraph ------------.”
“Ah shove your sub paragraphs up yer arse-hole, just lock the fool up.”
With that Houka Pumpernickel came in. “I have a complaint against Sproggy whats-his-name." “Clumperdink.” Said Belukha.
“That’s what I said Sproggy Clumperdink."
“What’s the nature of your complaint Houka?”
“That’s Missus Pumpernickel to you Boney Belukha.” Boney laughed out loud.
“You think that’s a funny name? Well it’s better than Houka Belukha had I married you, like you wanted me to.”
“What’s the nature of your complaint?”
“What’s the nature of m complaint?"
“You don’t have to repeat the question missus Pumpernickel, you’re not in school.”
"He's striking terror into the heart of every man woman and child on the street.”
“That’s it, we’ll have him arrested,” mayor Belukhaa said.
“Arrested? And how are you going to arrest him? He’s flying up and down the street on a fucken broomstick with his cat Minni up front and his dog Cooper on the back if it, they’re pelting people with snowballs."
“Snowballs? It’s the middle of summer.!"
“Tell him that.! She said. Wally Whipplesnapper laughed. “What sub section and paragraph does that come under Boney Belukha?" “Get out, the pair of ye, we have serious work to do.”
But by now there were hundreds of people trying to get into his office to file complaints against Sproggy and his feline and canine confederates.
“There you are, a menace to society what did I tell ya? Mavis Bumblebum said. But her words were drowned out by the thunderous roar of Sproggy’s broomstick as he desperately tried to break the sound barrier and shatter every window in the town of Gobblebrook. Then it happened, there was an almighty bang as Sproggy came crashing through the big stained glass window of the mayor’s office whooping and hollering like a man possessed by satin himself, his two furry accomplices hanging on for dear life.
“God save and preserve us all,” Archie Pottlebottom said.
“There’s no stopping him now,” Toady Pinkletoe said.
“We may all pack up and leave,” Calvin Cracklsnap said.
“And we thought Wonky Pookle was bad,” Dizzy Frazzle said. “We’re all doomed,” said Polly Doofus
Something had to be done, but what? Sproggy was getting betterer and faster on this thing and complaints were now coming in from as far away as Stinkyswamp which was 100 miles away and Sproggy was making the trip in four minutes.
A contingent of officials and local councilors was dispatched to Wonky’s humble abode to see if old Wonky could cast a spell or something on Sproggy and reign him in some way. “Let me sleep on it,” Wonky said, “that’s my broomstick he’s using, I let him use it to visit his grandmother in Soggybog he said he’d have it back by six, that was two days ago, and he’s not supposed to be carrying passengers on that thing, it’s 800 years old."
“But Wonky why would you give it to him in the first place knowing that he's such an imbecile."
“Sproggy said you were going to put me in a home for the Bewildered."
“Well you have to admit Wonky you did turn some of our dogs into cats and such.”
“I would never do such a thing, you know me." “Well, maybe you didn’t mean it but half the dogs in town are now cats.”
“I bet it was Sproggy, I gave him one of my old wands to practice on, he was only supposed to make cats afraid of mice."
“Well he has squirrels barking like dogs and chasing wagons, he has rabbits laying eggs and chickens grunting like pigs and flying all over the place, chickens are not supposed to fly Wonkey."
“Yes----- Yes, this is more serious than I thought, I, I actually taught him how to do a few other things that I really can’t really talk about right now."
“You WHAT? You mean like casting spells and stuff?" “Well, sort of, but I’ll fix it, I’ll go see my cousin in Smellyriver tomorrow, he’ll straighten the little bastard out."
“Good, but in the meantime he’s getting better on that broomstick thing, how the hell does it fly anyway Wonky?” An official asked." “Well I can’t divulge a thousand years of skill and expertise that has gone into its development, I mean, you’d have every half-wit in the country flying around creating havoc in the skies, look at Clumperdink for example. However in a nutshell it’s a concoction of thermo dynamic rays interacting with rotating cosmic proton particles producing positive centrifugal force energy which allows for pressurized atmospheric osmotic propulsion producing opposing gravity pull.”
“Oh…. that’s what I thought.”
Well, there were no more questions, the townspeople had a renewed faith in Wonky and were beginning to think that Sproggy had been behind all the nastiness that old Wonky had been blamed for. But now that Sproggy had gotten the taste for wizardry and had acquired a few wizard-like skills it wasn’t going to be an easy task to bring him to a screeching halt, no sirée Bob. The mayor’s office had to act fast as townspeople were talking about taking matters into their own hands, there was already a bunch of religious nuts surrounding Sproggy’s house and showering it with Holy water blessed by that self professed preacher Joey Olteen himself. This only fuelled Sproggy’s anger and he started a series of house fires by throwing fireballs now instead of snowballs. Several attempts the shoot him down with arrows and cannonballs failed as he was as fast now as a streak of lightening. A reward for his capture was posted by emperor Bushy Bush. “We have an old saying in the west, Bushy said, “Wanted, Dead or Alive.”
“How the hell did that fool ever become emperor?” Rita Rickenbaum said.
Mavis Bumblebum’s statement was ringing in mayor Belukha’s ears, “he’s a menace to society,” she had said. He knew he would not be re-elected if Sproggy continued on his rampage. Everything now hinged on Wonky getting help from his cousin in Smellyriver but without his broomstick he wouldn’t be back for a year. A solution would have to be forthcoming, they would have to get that broomstick away from Sproggy come hell or high water, both of which were very real possibilities. The hopes were that if they did manage to get their hands on the broomstick would Wonky still be able to ride it, I mean, he hadn’t been on it for over ninety years. But where was Sproggy and his furry friends? They hadn’t been seen in weeks, nor had Wonky for that matter. The townspeople were hoping that Sproggy had crashed into a tree or something.
People were starting to relax and get on with the repair work and were thinking that they had seen the last of Sproggy when one day out of the blue mayor Belukha was having breakfast and enjoying his rabbit eggs and chicken bacon when there was a hullabaloo coming from the street. He ran out to see what all the racket was about and to his delight there was Wonky with Sproggy in tow tied up as neat as you please and being followed by the two furry delinquents their heads bowed in shame and the broomstick hovering over Sproggy’s head giving him a swift clout around the ear-hole from time to time as the throng of delighted citizens cheered and clapped.
“How did you manage it Wonky?” the mayor asked. “I have my methods,” Wonky said, “but let’s just say that Sproggy’s biggest mistake was to invade the town of Wobblecock, my cousin Toky has the fastest broomstick in the world and he wasn’t long about putting an end to Sproggy’s high jinks.
Sproggy was sentenced to community work for five years which included helping to rebuild the houses that he had burned down. An ever vigilant broomstick always in the background making sure he didn’t slow down.
The last I heard of Sproggy he was writing a book titled, “My life on the run as an aviation hoodlum.” I’m looking forward to reading it.
As for Mayor Belukha, he said he was going to miss those rabbit eggs and chicken bacon for his breakfast.
A contingent of officials and local councilors was dispatched to Wonky’s humble abode to see if old Wonky could cast a spell or something on Sproggy and reign him in some way. “Let me sleep on it,” Wonky said, “that’s my broomstick he’s using, I let him use it to visit his grandmother in Soggybog he said he’d have it back by six, that was two days ago, and he’s not supposed to be carrying passengers on that thing, it’s 800 years old."
“But Wonky why would you give it to him in the first place knowing that he's such an imbecile."
“Sproggy said you were going to put me in a home for the Bewildered."
“Well you have to admit Wonky you did turn some of our dogs into cats and such.”
“I would never do such a thing, you know me." “Well, maybe you didn’t mean it but half the dogs in town are now cats.”
“I bet it was Sproggy, I gave him one of my old wands to practice on, he was only supposed to make cats afraid of mice."
“Well he has squirrels barking like dogs and chasing wagons, he has rabbits laying eggs and chickens grunting like pigs and flying all over the place, chickens are not supposed to fly Wonkey."
“Yes----- Yes, this is more serious than I thought, I, I actually taught him how to do a few other things that I really can’t really talk about right now."
“You WHAT? You mean like casting spells and stuff?" “Well, sort of, but I’ll fix it, I’ll go see my cousin in Smellyriver tomorrow, he’ll straighten the little bastard out."
“Good, but in the meantime he’s getting better on that broomstick thing, how the hell does it fly anyway Wonky?” An official asked." “Well I can’t divulge a thousand years of skill and expertise that has gone into its development, I mean, you’d have every half-wit in the country flying around creating havoc in the skies, look at Clumperdink for example. However in a nutshell it’s a concoction of thermo dynamic rays interacting with rotating cosmic proton particles producing positive centrifugal force energy which allows for pressurized atmospheric osmotic propulsion producing opposing gravity pull.”
“Oh…. that’s what I thought.”
Well, there were no more questions, the townspeople had a renewed faith in Wonky and were beginning to think that Sproggy had been behind all the nastiness that old Wonky had been blamed for. But now that Sproggy had gotten the taste for wizardry and had acquired a few wizard-like skills it wasn’t going to be an easy task to bring him to a screeching halt, no sirée Bob. The mayor’s office had to act fast as townspeople were talking about taking matters into their own hands, there was already a bunch of religious nuts surrounding Sproggy’s house and showering it with Holy water blessed by that self professed preacher Joey Olteen himself. This only fuelled Sproggy’s anger and he started a series of house fires by throwing fireballs now instead of snowballs. Several attempts the shoot him down with arrows and cannonballs failed as he was as fast now as a streak of lightening. A reward for his capture was posted by emperor Bushy Bush. “We have an old saying in the west, Bushy said, “Wanted, Dead or Alive.”
“How the hell did that fool ever become emperor?” Rita Rickenbaum said.
Mavis Bumblebum’s statement was ringing in mayor Belukha’s ears, “he’s a menace to society,” she had said. He knew he would not be re-elected if Sproggy continued on his rampage. Everything now hinged on Wonky getting help from his cousin in Smellyriver but without his broomstick he wouldn’t be back for a year. A solution would have to be forthcoming, they would have to get that broomstick away from Sproggy come hell or high water, both of which were very real possibilities. The hopes were that if they did manage to get their hands on the broomstick would Wonky still be able to ride it, I mean, he hadn’t been on it for over ninety years. But where was Sproggy and his furry friends? They hadn’t been seen in weeks, nor had Wonky for that matter. The townspeople were hoping that Sproggy had crashed into a tree or something.
People were starting to relax and get on with the repair work and were thinking that they had seen the last of Sproggy when one day out of the blue mayor Belukha was having breakfast and enjoying his rabbit eggs and chicken bacon when there was a hullabaloo coming from the street. He ran out to see what all the racket was about and to his delight there was Wonky with Sproggy in tow tied up as neat as you please and being followed by the two furry delinquents their heads bowed in shame and the broomstick hovering over Sproggy’s head giving him a swift clout around the ear-hole from time to time as the throng of delighted citizens cheered and clapped.
“How did you manage it Wonky?” the mayor asked. “I have my methods,” Wonky said, “but let’s just say that Sproggy’s biggest mistake was to invade the town of Wobblecock, my cousin Toky has the fastest broomstick in the world and he wasn’t long about putting an end to Sproggy’s high jinks.
Sproggy was sentenced to community work for five years which included helping to rebuild the houses that he had burned down. An ever vigilant broomstick always in the background making sure he didn’t slow down.
The last I heard of Sproggy he was writing a book titled, “My life on the run as an aviation hoodlum.” I’m looking forward to reading it.
As for Mayor Belukha, he said he was going to miss those rabbit eggs and chicken bacon for his breakfast.
